


Cross My Heart

by kethni



Category: The Bill
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-26
Updated: 2015-01-26
Packaged: 2018-03-09 05:16:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3237689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kethni/pseuds/kethni





	Cross My Heart

 

The block of flats is one of hundreds in London: tall, grey, and dirty. Broken lifts, rubbish strewn stairwells ripe with the aroma of urine and excreta; all add to the sense of desperation, decay, and imminent violence.

 

Up on the roof, at the very edge, sits Luke Ashton. His legs dangle over the precipice as he considers the people scurrying around so far below.

 

He’s been feeling very low for a long time. He thought he was doing well after the divorce; he got himself a nice flat, a little Volkswagen Beetle, and a position in Hendon. Luke enjoyed helping the instructors and the cadets. Then one of the cadets, a lovely lad called Anthony, made a pass at him. Luke gently explained that, although Anthony was very attractive, Luke had a rule about not sleeping with people he worked with. Even now, Luke can’t get a grasp on why the delicate little seduction attempt ripped the skin off his depression.

 

Afterwards Luke went back to his flat and cried for hours.

 

Why‘s it taking so long for the area to be cleared? Maybe no one has called the police. Maybe I’m not even worth a phone call.

 

A panda car pulls up below. Even from here, Luke can tell that it’s Gina Gold throwing her weight about. He screws up one eye, trying to work out if he could somehow land on her.

 

Ah, now things are moving. More cars arriving, the area is finally being cleared of curious passers-by. Luke has no desire to injure or traumatise a member of the public, even if they were waiting to see if he jumped.

 

Luke had thought about leaving a note, but decided it would only get himself more upset. He wants to be quite calm and composed when he jumps. He believes that he has spent too much of his life as an emotional wreck, and wants to face his death with the poise he never managed in life.

 

“Luke?”

 

“Hi, Tony.” Luke doesn’t turn around; he’d know Tony’s voice anywhere.

 

“Luke, mate; why don’t you come away from the edge and we can talk?” Tony says gently.

 

“Do yourself a favour, Tone, and go. You can’t talk me down, and I’d rather you not feel bad about it after,” Luke says seriously.

 

“Look, Luke; whatever the problem is, we can sort it out,” Tony says, with a shade of desperation.

 

“My life’s empty and meaningless. All I’ve ever done is cause pain and misery to people who loved me. Tell me how you can sort that out?” Luke scrubs his eyes with his hand. “Damn it, Tony! You’re making me get upset.”

 

“It’s not like that. Is this about Kerry?”

 

“Not really. We sorted that out.” Luke blows his nose on a tissue.

 

Tony winces as Luke sways slightly.

 

“Luke,  _please_  come away from the edge? Just a bit.”

 

“Go away, Tony. You shouldn’t be here.”

 

“Yeah, well, right now I’m all there is,” Tony offers.

 

“Liar,” Luke says without malice. “I can see all the cars. Who’s running the book?”

 

“The what?”

 

“The book, you know… taking bets on whether I jump or not?” Luke glances at Tony over his shoulder. Tony looks reassuringly shocked at the suggestion. “Phil Hunter?”

 

“Nobody! Everyone wants you to come down safely,” Tony promises.

 

“Where’s Gold? She doesn’t I bet.”

 

“Inspector Gold thought it might be better if I talked to you, as a friend.”

 

“She’s there, isn’t she?” Luke says with a smirk. “Interfering bitch! Homophobic, self-righteous bully!”

 

Tony squares his shoulders.

 

“She’s worried that if you see her you’ll jump,” Tony admits.

 

“She’s worried she’ll get the blame somehow,” Luke corrects. “She’s worried I’ve left a note somewhere. Apart from that, she’d be quite happy if I jumped.”

 

“That’s not true.” Tony forces his voice to be even. “She’s as worried about you as the rest of us.”

 

“The rest of you? Is this the rest of you who treated me like a leper when I came out? The rest of you who avoided me, made snide comments behind my back, as well as avoiding me?”

 

“That’s not fair! Luke, please come back from the edge, and we can talk about it properly.”

 

“Move that car.” Luke returns his attention to the ground far below.

 

“What?”

 

“That red escort down there. The owner’s going to be pretty miffed if I land on it.”

 

“Luke, please!” Tony begs.

 

“You didn’t talk to me for two weeks,” Luke says softly. “I looked up to you, Tone, and you treated me like scum.”

 

“Luke… I…”

 

There’s a burst of noise from the earpiece that Luke hadn’t noticed Tony was wearing.

 

“Is that her? The wicked witch?” Luke asks curiously.

 

“Yes, she says I should get off the damn roof before I make things worse, or she’ll throw me off after you,” Tony says, shamefaced.

 

Luke laughs, and waves a hand.

 

“Your mum’s here,” Tony says softly.

 

“If they bring my dad, I’ll chuck him off,” Luke says with a snort.

 

The door opens, and Jenny tentatively steps out.

 

“We’ll talk later, Luke,” Tony says anxiously as he leaves.

 

“Bye, Tony,” Luke says quietly, staring down at the offending red escort.

 

“Darling?” Jenny asks, in a trembling voice.

 

“I’m not your darling, remember? I’m a filthy pervert who has broken your heart,” Luke says flatly.

 

“I’m so sorry,” Jenny says, crying a little. “I never meant it. Please don’t do this.”

 

“Go away, Mum.”

 

“Please, Luke, please don’t do this; I’m so sorry.”

 

“It’s not about you.” Luke carefully swivels around so that he is facing her. “I can’t go on, Mum.”

 

“Why not?” Jenny asks, a little encouraged that he is willing to talk to her.

 

“It’s too hard. I have to work so hard just to get through each day. I woke up this morning, and I realised that this is it, this is my life. I have nothing, and I mean nothing. I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life.” Luke’s eyes fill with tears. “No one wants to hang around once they get to know me. I had something, Mum. I had something special, and wonderful, and I threw it away. I’ll never have that again.”

 

“Luke… I know it seems so difficult, but in time you’ll feel differently…”

 

“Yes worse! It’s been two years, and I feel so bad that I can’t bear it.”

 

“Why…? Why don’t you come a little away from the edge? You aren’t going to leave me without a hug, are you?” Jenny’s tears are pouring down her face, dripping gently onto the roof.

 

Luke walks over, and hugs her tightly.

 

“I’m sorry I let you down,” Luke says, pushing his face into her hair.

 

“You didn’t, it was me, it was my fault.” Jenny squeezes him so hard he fears his ribs will crack. “I made such a mess. I love you, Luke, no matter what. I was wrong, I didn’t mean what I said; you aren’t a pervert or anything like that. I love you, I’m proud of you.”

 

Luke pulls away, and tries to dry her face.

 

“You’d better go.”

 

“What?” Jenny asked, appalled. “Didn’t you hear me?”

 

“Yes, and I’m glad you don’t think I’m a degenerate or whatever. But it doesn’t change anything.”

 

“Luke!”

 

“I’m not four years old anymore. You can’t fix all my problems by kissing me on the forehead.” Luke turns away.

 

“I’m going downstairs.” Jenny says quietly. “Don’t make me watch my son die.”

 

“Wow, major guilt trip,” Luke mutters as she leaves. He remains a few feet away from the edge, trying to calm down before he jumps.

 

“Luke?” asks a deep, gentle voice with a lilting Welsh accent.

 

Luke turns around, and smiles timidly.

 

“Hello, Craig. What’s a nice man like you doing in a place like this?” Luke jokes.

 

Craig looks exhausted. He is wearing beige jeans, a white casual shirt, and brown trainers.

 

“Gina asked… well actually, she sent two goons to drag me out of bed. I was asleep, you see. If I’d been awake and known, I’d have been down here like a shot.”

 

“Why?” Luke asks, genuinely curious.

 

“To see if I could help somehow.”

 

“Your socks are mismatched,” Luke notes.

 

Craig looks down at his socks. One is black with white spots; the other green and plain.

 

“I dressed in a bit of a rush,” he admits ruefully. “I didn’t have a chance for a shave either. I’m sorry.”

 

“It suits you. The lack of shave I mean, not the odd socks.” Luke blushes, and scratches his head. “Why would you want to help me?”

 

Craig takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.

 

“Because, although you didn’t return my feelings, I was madly in love with you. That doesn’t just dissolve overnight. Not for me anyway. I’m still not over you, and I can’t stand by while you do this.”

 

“You’re not over me?” Luke asks softly.

 

“No. But that’s not the point.”

 

“You’re wrong,” Luke says sadly.

 

“About what?” Craig takes half a step closer.

 

“Thinking that I didn’t love you.” Luke kicks his toe against an outcrop. “I can’t believe the things that I did and said to you.” Luke rubs his face, and smiles at Craig. “You haven’t asked me to come inside yet.”

 

“Sorry, I haven’t done this before.”

 

“How come? I screwed up once, even before I’d been in the job a month,” Luke admits.

 

“I’m no one’s first choice for dealing with the delicate, emotional stuff,” Craig says blushing. “For yelling and screaming, definitely.”

 

“You’re misunderstood,” Luke says mildly. “Gina’s very quiet. I could hear her screaming at Tony down his earpiece.”

 

“I’m not wearing one.” Craig turns his head from side to side to demonstrate. “She huffed and puffed, but I told her I wasn’t having her screeching at me.”

 

“Did they really drag you out of bed?”

 

“A big girl almost broke the door down. Why?”

 

Luke steps a tiny bit closer, and lowers his voice to a whisper.

 

“I can hear your stomach growling. No breakfast, huh?”

 

Craig laughs, and scratches the back of his head.

 

“No. I opened the door, and they yelled at me to get dressed, and get in the car.” Craig looks sheepish. “I haven’t even washed. I had a shower before I went to sleep, but still…”

 

“I love the way you smell.” Luke smiles reminiscently. “Your skin, your smell, do you know what I mean?”

 

“Yeah.” Craig holds out a hand to Luke. 

 

“Craig…”

 

“I didn’t come all this way; without a wash or a shave, in mismatched socks, to watch you throw yourself on to my car.”

 

“Is that yours? It’s parked in a really stupid place.” Luke doesn’t take Craig’s hand, but he does shuffle a tiny bit closer.

 

“They wanted me to come in the Panda, but I insisted on driving myself. I didn’t want to get stranded when they all went off after it was over,” Craig explains.

 

“I’ll try not to land on your car,” Luke says, with a sliver of a smile.

 

“Why are you doing this?”

 

“I’ve nothing to live for.”

 

“Find something,” Craig says sharply. “Whatever else, Luke; you’re  _not_  a coward, or a quitter! You’re young, you’re healthy, and you have a lot to give.”

 

“I’m alone,” Luke says softly.

 

“Then do something about it,” Craig urges. “You’ve a pleasant manner, you can make friends, all you have to do is exert yourself.”

 

“It’s not that easy!”

 

“No, it’s not easy, it’s damned hard. Your baby died, and your wife divorced you. Anyone would be depressed, Luke,  _anyone_! This isn’t the way to solve your problems. Go to a therapist, meet people, make a life for yourself.”

 

“I don’t know how.” Luke’s chest heaves as he starts to sob. “I don’t know what to do.”

 

Craig edges closer, and Luke flies into his open arms. Craig holds him tightly, walking them both towards the door.

 

“It’s going to be okay,” Craig promises.

 

“How?” Luke sobs against Craig’s neck.

 

“I don’t know but we can work it out. If that’s what you want?”

 

“Are you going to leave me again?” Luke gulps down tears.

 

“No, not if you don’t want me too.”

 

 “I want you to stay. Please? I really need your help, Craig.”

 

 “You’ve got it, Ashton,” Craig says lightly. “But if you go thinking about jumping again, then I’ll be very angry.”

 

“You promise you’ll stay?” Luke asks as Craig opens the door.

 

“Cross my heart.” Craig kisses Luke on the forehead.

 

The End

 

 


End file.
